I got called Naive once... well actually a bunch.
From the devil who knew how to abuse and use me. Manipulate, gaslight and uproot me. Naive he would say. Because in his mind he knew what would happen, what he was doing. And I was blind to his doing. That word is burned into my brain like a tattoo on my skull. Fried and burned into every activity and person. Can they read my scars too? Has anyone ever known what you wanted so bad? And use it against you? Dangle it in your face to misuse you? Naive. The way you made me believe. And all i'm left with is regret. From the devil who manipulated me. Pushed me down to rock bottom, an existential crisis, regret. To give up your whole life and everything you've ever wanted... in a naive moment of despair. Heartache. Trauma. Midlife crisis. Everything, the devil took from me.
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'You're so smart'Seven years is what you used to tell me.
That you never had a girl so cute, short, and smart. And yet it's been seven days since you've broken my heart. And now I'm finally looking back to the start. I wonder now, if you needed me smart, to see how long it would take to break my fragile heart. 'This is the last try, forever my love. Be patient, my love. Seven years, my love. Take this chaotic scarf, my love. We might have messy days, my forever.' You never told me that your chaotic scarf was a reflection of your chaotic heart. Messy days can be prepared with cleaning, knowing your team, but not when you're streaming messy days into nights, into weeks, months never starting since there was no true beginning. This scarf in tangled colors knitted by you; some tight loops, most simply droop. I wish I would've known from the start, that I would never win your chaotic heart. It's hard to use your voice, when people are trying to silence your truth.It's honestly been so hard to find the time, strength, and will over the last year to recount and safely....freely, express everything's that's been happening. And, as a travel blog, during a pandemic, I haven't had those experiences to reflect on yet, either.But baby. Honey doll face. YA GIRL IS GOING TO LEAVE THE MFING COUNTRYYYYYYY. Yes. Say, HOlllllAAaaaaaAAAAAA, commaaaa estaaasos, Kayla's going to el ay Mexicoooo and Costa Rica. So that's beautiful. And giving me so much strength to survive, it's been a shiny light at the end of a dimly light, suffocating tunnel. With that being said,I can confidently say and celebrate, I have completed my first year of first grade!!! And, for the first time in my entire teaching career, I get to teach the same grade level two years in a row. Finally. For the first time in my life. I get to stay in the same classroom, the same grade level, the same building, the same curriculum, oh my goodness. Wow. Wow.... Magically on the island I loved with my whole heartssssss. I have such amazing connections here with beautiful people. It's like everyone ends up on Kauai by magic... fate. But everyone has such similar beliefs and if you don't....the island lets you know, and kicks you off... // I wish I could have shared or expressed what I was going through. How school was going, people. Myself. My home life. But in times of darkness, you need to hide in the shade. I guess after everything, I myself, wasn't ready for a half assed relationship. And when I expressed my needs, the manipulation and gaslighting was so insane. The best I could do was go into survival mode. Hide my truth. Try to live. Do what it needed to take, all of course, in a metaphorical manner. During those times, I thought I made strong connections and bonds with people who pretended to be my friend... but never was truly. I went on plenty excursions, chatted a bunch, but that 'friend', showed their true colors. My momma said she once walked past the devil. She could feel it in her soul, down to the marrow of her bones. This man, had cold, dark, black never ending eyes like a blackhole a face with zero expression, no movement of eyebrows, a thin, snarky, barely existent like line for a mouth. And when he walked by, you could feel every happy moment drain from you. Now, I have yet to witness such an impacting encounter, but I could imagine. I feel sorry for you, 'friend'... Now with my home life..... there's a real reason why people tell you not to date your exs. That ex boyfriends or people should stay in the past. And that's really, truly, honestly, sooooo true. Even with being an empathic, patient, understanding, person. Like, brah. It's just been a loooong year coming.The older I get, I start to think and believe that it's not going to matter if I'm alone forever. Which use to be my biggest fear. And i would rather be alone than have to compromise my heart, soul and beliefs. My voice. Good things be coming though y'all. My own, cute, private, mini, 1 bedroom, Ohana, cottage/house! With my cute perfect girl Moon. And I never want my voice to be silenced again. Costa Rica and yoga, volcanos and thermal water falls, Mexico with aztec pyramids, and dynamic breath taking views. Good things be coming.Emotions. Weakness. Strength.Emotions and speaking on them has always been my biggest downfall. An instant feeling, changed so drastically based off of a situational and environmental factors. A flash change of a mood. Emotions keep getting me in trouble. PatternsIt's been widely brought to my attention this last week that I am, the, QUEEN of long, online, distance dating. Yay.fucking.me, what an outstanding accomplishment. You see, I have this habit, or pattern, as you should say, that I picked mean, closed off, unemotionally available, aging, balding, people who I build up in my head, as high as a petal-stool fantasy. Yes. See, this is brought on to me from my brain. From that forever search for my soulmate. That stupid, missing, but not needed-anymore, person. I have been trying to find that person. And I do know, once that search ends, it'll happen. But, for some unconscious reason, it's what I do. I guess I've realized, I have a pattern. Now, if only I could figure out where this searching began with..... do I need someone to be happy? Am I searching based off of what society thinks I should do? By a certain age? Or do I run away when people want to get serious? A self sabotage? See, I don't know that one either, yet. I definitely have bombs (blown up discussions) . Towards people, in certain situations , which later reflected on, could have gone differently. Red Flags1: still loves ex 2: talks to ex 3: hangs out with ex 4: dates 5: emotionally unavialble 6: didn't care 7: b 8: mean 9: didn't answer my questions 10: projected 11: never planned 12: didn't meet my needs 13: video games 14: vapes 15: not pirority 16: lead on 17: didn't stop 18: not allowed to b mad 19: got mad at the fact i was mad 20: not interested in my emotions i didnt like u. i liked the reality in my head.see. my mind wanders off into this fantasy where everything is perfect, and controlled in my mind, like a hopeless romantic.I'm mad at the fact that even with all the work I've been doing to myself, i still see and recognize and continue these behaviors and patterns that leave me not where i intended. and the disappointment is all the weight from the countless trials and errors I've put myself through. its not towards anyone because of anything. its what my brain does to my own head. and I'm also mad at the fact or more so disappointed, maybe even sad, like unfair or left out, that I was never considered a possibility based on distance and the lack of personal questions. you can say friend all you want, but friends don't speak to each other like that and friends know more quality things about each other than just relationship turmoil. i guess what i learned isI really need to try and understand and learn how to be in the present reality of things, and not in this dream land imagination. I also learned about my patterns, and the hardest thing is going to be to try and fix, and make those healthier. I want to build better communicative friendships and eventually, relationships. I long for that companionship so bad. I want those moments. And there'll get there, within in time.
It's time to learn, |
TTTTTTTEAAAAAACHERRRRRR, THAT CAN'TBE THE LAST ONE! | oh....my mountain cooler capri sun, I FORGOT and didn't double check to make sure that all of my students had one. And my good friend lil J, started laughing so hard she snorted. |
My name's Mykayla. I'm from the beautiful state of Oregon.
I got my B.eD from the university of Hawaii at Manoa. And am currently getting my M.eD abroad in Thailand while teaching a bunch of cute fourth graders.
I'm extremely honest, overpowering, and a love lust soul.
This is my adventure.
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