Today I was on my way to work and I saw a cat on a roof. In Thailand, buildings are made out of sheet metal, little huts here and there, umbrellas to act as stalls for shops. And this orange cat was just sitting there. On top of this world. With Thailand's temperatures reaching up to 105 degrees, it's been toasty. And that cat was on a hot tin roof. So it got me thinking; remember that story we had to read in high school, "Cat on a hot tin roof". It was about two main themes; falsehoods/untruths and facing death. The characters in the story are dealing with huge matters, cancer, cheating, death, and lies. People who hated lies were the ones saying them. And it reminded my of my blog. Normally, what I have to say isn't very often, Monday through Friday is just work, themes, some kinderisms "teaaaacher just love me", cross fit right after school and now the world open competition, going out on weekends, laundry, meal prepping, English tutoring twice a week. No stories to tell really..nothing worth writing constantly about, nothing to update. But there is a counter on here so I do know who has seen my blog, and my normal 7 views has skyrocketed. And the point of this is to record my experiences abroad. To deal with different cultures, show what I've learned or what I'm trying to learn or gain. Document my successes and challenges in my teaching and traveling, not personal life. So I'm going to keep it that way; this is not a diary. Not a bbq for roasting. This is a blog for travel, teaching, experiences. It's my truth. And I guess I didn't know how to share; I was bottling up and then exploded. Venting, trying to hear it to believe and accept certain things. Put it in writing and make it real. Trying to get clarity. It is my experience and story, but also not only mine to share. But shit happens, life goes on. Sometimes we can't always control what happens to us; it's life. Emotions can run high. Reactions happen to certain truths or experiences; if you put a mento into a bottle of coke, the only reaction is explosion. There's a war going on between my heart, and my mind, losing common sense. And I have every right to talk about it, express my feelings, my reactions, to say the truth but I can and have to learn different ways to do so. 2019 is suppose to be a year of change, growth, "maturity", being 1% better and happier than the day before. Becoming someone I never once was before. Someone who I can only dream of becoming. And I can't do that if I don't stop old ways and habits. Habits are hard to break. This is for myself. I have to love myself. And I really am trying to be the best version of me. Which leads me to this; when you pretend that someone else is the bad person, you convince yourself that it justifies what you did to them. "If they're the bad person, I didn't do anything wrong." Sometimes people have to think what they did didn't hurt you so that way it's okay, it's justified. I didn't hurt you so you're not hurt. If a person thinks "what I did wasn't wrong", they believe it. "I did this because of this", justifying. "I didn't mean to do this so you shouldn't be hurt, I didn't try to hurt you so you're not hurt". People think like that. But what I did wasn't okay. Seemed okay at the time in the spur of the moment, the angry, the hurt. It was only a draft in the beginning, I was trying to be quiet, the bigger person, better, but new info and truth made me lash out in a very poor and inconsiderate manner. I was hurt, my heart was breaking. It was personal and wrong, so if you keep coming back here to my story, just to hear more personal details or whatever, please save your time, no more of that. This is my place to use my voice and to record my adventure, but from now on my private personal life should and will stay private. "Everyone appreciates your honesty, until you're honest with them, then you're the asshole"- George Carlin Sooooooo if the haters or whoever still wants to look at what I have to say; ____________________________________________________________________________________ Learning to be happy with yourself I think could be the hardest part of growing up. I'm struggling with it! And some days are 100% forward and full of progress, next it's like -30. It's finding a balance, a routine. A inner peace (<--yeah yeah, I'm trying). Not being able to call your mom through international lines is hard, expensive, lonely and sad, different. Not having home comforts is hard, no comfort food, places, smells, weather, clothes. But in the end, we all are running away from something. I ran away to Hawaii, then I ran away to a whole new country, like many of the expats here. Subconsciously, we all go to different places for a reason. We all leave something behind. You get bit with the travel bug and then there's so many things you want to go do, see and learn; it's hard and seems impossible, but you get stronger, more adventurous to go out and explore. Traveling alone may seem scary, and sad. Like wow, that person has no friends and went alone. But I've learned if you wait for experiences, wait to do something with someone, will it actually ever happen? If you're too scared to go alone, what's the other outcome? You stay in one place forever, wishing you had an opportunity to go and see and do. But you can just do it and try to be confident enough and strong enough to explore and get lost and over pay street scams. Life is for experiences and exploring. For seeing the whole world. You can go stand in that place you saw a photo of, or read a book of, or know the history of; YOU can go there! I thought I needed validation. I thought I could let negative experiences give me a card to play victim. Throughout my entire life not just now. I thought people were happiness, not the self. And I'm growing. So it's hard to break the habit, even more so in a new place. But what a better place to try and grow and change, to figure out who you are and who you want to be. It is a process, a learning experience. Words mean absolute shit. You can say one thing you mean, and the next, it is meaningless. I can say I'm happy, and maybe one day I am. The next? Who knows. I can say I'm positive, I can be positive, and then maybe it'll fade; it's a learning experience. We're all thrown into this adult world trying and thinking we know how to handle it. You don't really until your forced to do so. Put in a new situation. You learn. Change. Adapt. I decided to be a teacher when I was in the third grade because of an act of kindness, my soul purpose is to pass on those acts of kindness to the students in my life. My education in Hawaii made us take some SPED intervention courses; I am not certified and I want to learn more at every opportunity I get. Thailand doesn't have a well planned course of action for signs and symptoms of behavioral issues, speech impairments or learning disabilities. When a child seems to have a delay, the proper response is to take notes, inform the early year preventive consular and then the child is removed from the school. They don't fit the "student body stereotype" and aides and one on one assistance is not allowed. As a new teacher I still have A LOT to learn. But I'm going through this SPED process, and it's hard. Learning how to show notes, reports, video evidence, to your boss and to the child's family, is hard and scary. But in the scheme of things, if this is something that can be caught and prevented at an early age, their story of success can blossom, and they won't be left behind. In grad school we have an option to take an elective class, and I really hope my cohort decides to take the 922 SPED class. It's also odd to think, 4 years ago I was taking 100 level courses, now I'm enrolled in 8 900 leveled classes. The first day of lessons is during Thailand's hot season, called Songkran. It's a giant celebration that involves throwing water from April 13-15 for the Thai calendar new year. However, the king has made it an official holiday that is celebrated nation wide for FIVE WHOLE DAYS. So this year is the 12th-16th. Cars and firetrucks drive around spraying any person outside with water. The streets get flooded, people throw water off the trains, off buses. So I am prepared to go to school looking like a sloppy, wet, dog. Speaking of travels, since this is suppose to be a traveling teaching blog, Bali was amazing. It was weird to travel alone, I did it though. I was able to go all around the island, but I stayed on the south side, in a beach front hotel in Kuta, Indonesia. Kuta is a very popular place for tourist. And I was lucky to go this time of year, it's the rainy season. There were less crowds, more things to do and see, restaurants and bars were basically empty. Indonesia has such a rich and dense culture. They are so proud of their Island, like Hawaiians. Indonesia is full of art, history and hindu culture. It was memorizing to be plunged into a place that was so proud. The traditional wear of the local people were beautiful skirts and simple tops. Every few hours the locals did beach sweeps and clean ups, removing all the rubbish washed to land. The one thing I didn't care for, was all the people trying to get you to buy things on the beach. "Ice cream, Ice cream, umbrella, massage, I paint your nails, braid hair come come, you buy bracelet". No one ever approached me on a beach before, so it was new and different but how these people do make a living. I was able to see the rice patches, try traditional food. Saw a few waterfalls and did some hikes. I went to three hindu temples; the elephant cave had a magical stream running with blessed water. I was able to cleanse in the river, making wishes, letting the water heal me, protect me, and so on. It did feel weird to be in a hindu site with a giant Buddhism tattoo on my back. But I love the fact that I'm so free to explore and try these activities. Accepting little pieces of each religion. Bali was amazing, I would go again, but maybe if I stayed on a different island not too far off the shore, or maybe on the north side. It was high on my bucket list, checkkk. Next places;
I have been invited to a wedding in India! So if I can get my visa in time, I will be going there in a few short weeks. St Patricks day weekend, I'm trying to go to Okinawa Japan to see a few friends. These trips may or may not happen, but it's nice to look forward and to not be too scared to go anywhere. Nothing beats traveling with my sister though. My next solo trips I'm considering is Singapore, to see Universal Studios. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Maybe Sri Lanka, or the Maldives. The world is filled with endless possibilities and what I've learned is "if it feels scary to jump, that's when you jump, otherwise you stay in one place your whole life". So lets jump. Be brave. At the end of the day, every single person in the world deserves the love and happiness they're looking for, no matter what they've done. Everyone wants to find that love. People deserve to be built up, to be their best and truest self, supported and cared for. And that's what I hope everyone (reading this or not reading this) finds; exactly what they're looking for in life even when it seems pointless, or unattainable. You were given this life because you're the one strong enough to handle it. So that time will come, and Karma, God, Buddah, whomever, will make sure you get what you deserve and meant to have. And I am so grateful I have loved so deeply and cared with my entire soul and being, and I would do it all again, over and over. It's how we define the experience that makes us, not the experience it's self. (even if you're positive and happy one day and not the next, it's okay) Life's a crazy adventure so let's make it good, kind, truthful, empowering and loving. Until next time. <3
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Something that has been crushing my soul this year, has been the fact that people can just walk out of your life like you meant nothing to them. I've been pretty hush hush... but I just had my heart ripped out of my chest, and stepped on. Crushed, into a million, thousand pieces. And the icing on the cake? I got burned twice. When you meet someone, and fall head over heels, in this imaginary fairytale, it doesn't matter what happens. The cheating, the lying, the screaming, the name calling. It doesn't matter if you still get up everyday when you wish you wouldn't wake from the night before. It's like even with this person, reality is better for once, than your dreams. You want to be awake. Even if it's yelling, screaming into your face. Having him call you a bitch, a fixer upper, trailer park trash. You don't even care, because the end goal in your head is that fairytale from when you first laid eyes on this person. Imagining a life that couldn't be possible without them. This life you think is better than any you could make on your own, helping you escape from this reality, or past that you pictured so down in your head. I'll be blunt and honest here, because I wouldn't be myself if I wasn't speaking from the soul; even with trying to kill myself multiple times, running away from home, saying bad words, burning bridges, I am not a fixer upper. I am not a bad person. I'm not trash. I'm not someone who couldn't make it. I'm not my past. I'm not the situation I grew up in. I'm not that depressed girl who couldn't breathe without the love from YOU. I am not beer and pretzels, and you are not champagne and caviar. You are a person who is so cowardly, that you don't have the balls to be honest with yourself or your own family. You would never be honest to me, to them, or write something like this for the potential of the entire world seeing. With you, for almost FOUR fucking years, I was never able to be myself. I couldn't use bad words, I couldn't be sad, I couldn't tell the truth to you, I couldn't get the love, support or affection I was desperately craving. For four years, I thought that was NORMAL. I thought the 100% trust in you, the not wanting a world without you was normal. That every time you went out to sea, it felt like I was dying. That is not normal. Being called a bitch from someone who is suppose to love you IS NOT NORMAL. Being constantly made fun of IS NOT NORMAL. I have gap buck teeth? Maybe when I was in middle school, did you even know me then? Because now you do not. After you CHEATED on me, and I stayed?? For you to do this again. Deleting every photo like i didn't exist. Blaming me for being the bad guy? Because when I first met you, you gave me the world. Things I couldn't afford and never asked for. Flowers upon flowers, labels of forever, and perfect and a princess. You did names and initials, Facebook officials, profile photos, loving captions, and when you stopped, when the princess title was gone, when the name was deleted, when the photos stopped, I am really the bad guy for asking and wanting them back? YOU DID IT FIRST. And if thats the biggest problem, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for you. That you have to lie to your family, that you lied to me about all the drinking, parties, clubbing, the women. I feel bad you can't control your limit, and that you can't use a phone to communicate you're safe. I feel bad you don't know how to express your feelings, wants, desires, so you can have your happiness. I feel bad that you're such a raging asshole that couldn't see all the love I was constantly dripping out for you. And the next person who says your name, I hope it burns their throat. Being burned twice really showed me how loyal, caring, and loving of a person I am, even with my "terrible" background. Even with my bad words. So it's been hard. When the one person who was suppose to love, support and encourages you walks away without a single bye. When that person encourages you to go better your future, to get a better education, to explore the world, and then they leave you high and dry. Empty. But I should've seen the signs right? Your friends were more important, you couldn't make time to talk, you couldn't be there for when my cat died, you would call other bitches before seeing me, hiding the fact that we "had sleepovers"? What was it all for? Karma for what I did to you in a past life? Idk the rocks and the highs, I'm still trying to accept it. Still missing. Still loving. It's still hard, good days and then days 50 steps backwards. Like, was I really depressed then, or was it because of you and the manipulation? But I love me more. I do cross fit now. I have the BEST friends here. I am living my life out in Thailand. I will find that love I'm looking for and deserving of. I will have a better and higher education. And I currently am changing the lives of multiple children, from all over the world. I recently took my first solo trip to Bali, Indonesia. I am FUCKING amazing. I saw monkeys, ancient hindu temples, drank poop coffee, waterfalls, oceans, I did it all on my own. And it won't stop here. I won't stop growing and becoming better with every passing minute of my life. You taught me a lot, a lot of lessons, a lot of fun memories that I wish could last every day for the rest of my life, but I hope if you learned anything from this turmoil, that it was how to finally be honest, to yourself and every single being around you. |
AuthorMy name's Mykayla. I'm from the beautiful state of Oregon. Archives
November 2019
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