Something that has been crushing my soul this year, has been the fact that people can just walk out of your life like you meant nothing to them. I've been pretty hush hush... but I just had my heart ripped out of my chest, and stepped on. Crushed, into a million, thousand pieces. And the icing on the cake? I got burned twice. When you meet someone, and fall head over heels, in this imaginary fairytale, it doesn't matter what happens. The cheating, the lying, the screaming, the name calling. It doesn't matter if you still get up everyday when you wish you wouldn't wake from the night before. It's like even with this person, reality is better for once, than your dreams. You want to be awake. Even if it's yelling, screaming into your face. Having him call you a bitch, a fixer upper, trailer park trash. You don't even care, because the end goal in your head is that fairytale from when you first laid eyes on this person. Imagining a life that couldn't be possible without them. This life you think is better than any you could make on your own, helping you escape from this reality, or past that you pictured so down in your head. I'll be blunt and honest here, because I wouldn't be myself if I wasn't speaking from the soul; even with trying to kill myself multiple times, running away from home, saying bad words, burning bridges, I am not a fixer upper. I am not a bad person. I'm not trash. I'm not someone who couldn't make it. I'm not my past. I'm not the situation I grew up in. I'm not that depressed girl who couldn't breathe without the love from YOU. I am not beer and pretzels, and you are not champagne and caviar. You are a person who is so cowardly, that you don't have the balls to be honest with yourself or your own family. You would never be honest to me, to them, or write something like this for the potential of the entire world seeing. With you, for almost FOUR fucking years, I was never able to be myself. I couldn't use bad words, I couldn't be sad, I couldn't tell the truth to you, I couldn't get the love, support or affection I was desperately craving. For four years, I thought that was NORMAL. I thought the 100% trust in you, the not wanting a world without you was normal. That every time you went out to sea, it felt like I was dying. That is not normal. Being called a bitch from someone who is suppose to love you IS NOT NORMAL. Being constantly made fun of IS NOT NORMAL. I have gap buck teeth? Maybe when I was in middle school, did you even know me then? Because now you do not. After you CHEATED on me, and I stayed?? For you to do this again. Deleting every photo like i didn't exist. Blaming me for being the bad guy? Because when I first met you, you gave me the world. Things I couldn't afford and never asked for. Flowers upon flowers, labels of forever, and perfect and a princess. You did names and initials, Facebook officials, profile photos, loving captions, and when you stopped, when the princess title was gone, when the name was deleted, when the photos stopped, I am really the bad guy for asking and wanting them back? YOU DID IT FIRST. And if thats the biggest problem, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for you. That you have to lie to your family, that you lied to me about all the drinking, parties, clubbing, the women. I feel bad you can't control your limit, and that you can't use a phone to communicate you're safe. I feel bad you don't know how to express your feelings, wants, desires, so you can have your happiness. I feel bad that you're such a raging asshole that couldn't see all the love I was constantly dripping out for you. And the next person who says your name, I hope it burns their throat. Being burned twice really showed me how loyal, caring, and loving of a person I am, even with my "terrible" background. Even with my bad words. So it's been hard. When the one person who was suppose to love, support and encourages you walks away without a single bye. When that person encourages you to go better your future, to get a better education, to explore the world, and then they leave you high and dry. Empty. But I should've seen the signs right? Your friends were more important, you couldn't make time to talk, you couldn't be there for when my cat died, you would call other bitches before seeing me, hiding the fact that we "had sleepovers"? What was it all for? Karma for what I did to you in a past life? Idk the rocks and the highs, I'm still trying to accept it. Still missing. Still loving. It's still hard, good days and then days 50 steps backwards. Like, was I really depressed then, or was it because of you and the manipulation? But I love me more. I do cross fit now. I have the BEST friends here. I am living my life out in Thailand. I will find that love I'm looking for and deserving of. I will have a better and higher education. And I currently am changing the lives of multiple children, from all over the world. I recently took my first solo trip to Bali, Indonesia. I am FUCKING amazing. I saw monkeys, ancient hindu temples, drank poop coffee, waterfalls, oceans, I did it all on my own. And it won't stop here. I won't stop growing and becoming better with every passing minute of my life. You taught me a lot, a lot of lessons, a lot of fun memories that I wish could last every day for the rest of my life, but I hope if you learned anything from this turmoil, that it was how to finally be honest, to yourself and every single being around you.
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AuthorMy name's Mykayla. I'm from the beautiful state of Oregon. Archives
November 2019
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