By accepting the job in Thailand, I thought it would make me a better person.
I was so encouraged to come here. People were so proud of me. But when I got here, the change was too big. Having everything I ever wanted in my hands, and having it ripped away from time differences, miles, language barriers, culture shock, was so over whelming. Trying to find the good things and battle my own demons was something I couldn't even handle. I thought I was alone, I was scared, I got anxiety. It all made me think and rethink about my life and how I ended up here. Somewhere in my college career I lost myself, I lost my self esteem, my pride. I forgot who I was. I was using all the negativities of my life and surroundings to influence me. When I was or could have been in control. I think back to my college roommates, how their actions made me feel when it was nothing to do with me and didn't affect me. I think back to my teaching practices, how it wasn't my style, how the people weren't friendly or helpful. I let those things affect myself. I let others change me. And then I think about the past year. I have never been that depressed in my life. Of course, I have had depression spells, thoughts about dying before, but not as often as I did in the last 16 months. And why? I had everything materialistically a person could want, I had a home, food, transportation, communication, friends. I was and am trying to not be, addicted to the negative parts of life. I was focused and consumed by the negative thoughts. Like if I only focused on bad and negative, I would never get upset or hurt if the good went away. And in the end, it was self sabotage. I am not the same person I was when I started college, I'm not the same person I was a year ago, and now I am not the same person I was the day before. Someone told me, "Hindsight is always 20/20". But after the clarity, the realization, the growing, the changing, what? It's for nothing? That was how I viewed it. I let environmental factors dictate and control me. But now I can control myself. I can make myself happy, I can be positive and see the good, and I am damn proud of myself. Everything I have battled up until this point was for a purpose, and a reason. A lesson. And why I'm still here to tell the tale is because I am strong enough to handle it, and it was suppose to happen. I believe I was meant to end up in Thailand. To become cultured, explore and meet amazing people from all over the world. I was meant to battle my demons and things were put into my life because it's what I needed at the moment, and when those experiences or people pass, it means it no longer serves a purpose or meaning in my life. Thus far in 2019, my sister and I have travelled from the top of Thailand, all the way down to the bottom. We met crowds of people from all over the world. Some good and genuine human beings. People who share the same beliefs, people who have the "Travel Bug". Random strangers told me countlessly, how proud there are of me, for moving to a different country, where the language isn't even the same, how they are so proud and that I'm so brave, and strong and good. And I'm fucking proud of myself too. I wanted things and people to make me be a "better person", when in reality, it's all how I can change to become who I want. True change is Identity change. You can't change actions, feelings, to become someone it's the habit of doing. Identity comes out of the changes you become and do. Everything is possible. When you cut out negative thoughts and behaviors, your world changes. These things that you thought were so bad, the habits change. Sometimes realizations like this are too "late", but it's never too late to become a better person. To find yourself, who you want to be. I do not want to be that girl who is so sad, hating everything, regretting change, sucking out positivity to produce negative. I am going to be the girl who embraces new opportunities, creates her own positivity and happiness, and strives to be 1% better everyday. I think when someone is brave, and mature enough to see wrong doings and takes an action plan to fix, and better themselves and life, then that person is 100% capable for new beginnings and second changes. Second chances should be rewarded if the person sees what they were doing wrong and are actively trying to fix, correct and make better. Chances shouldn't be given with no signs of progress, because of the fear things could go back to how they were. You know, I'm just a girl. I admire people who stick with each other at the low points of life, people who have been together since high school. It's amazing how two people can pick each other and say "that's the one I'm never giving up on", when you can stay by someones side during their bad mental health days, poverty, madness, sickness. People who never give up, no matter how hard it is. Because bad times don't last. And love, matching another persons soul, is so much more important and worth it than the fights and arguments and things that can't be changed. Emotions are so powering and it takes years and work and effort and practice to control those "outbursts", but love is always worth it in the end. Growing and changing together with someone, loving the same person 8 different times, for the 8 different versions of themselves over a life expand, is truly remarkable. And to me, that's the purpose, the reason of life. To love fully, more than anything. To never give up on a person you love. To help grow, inspire and change together. Two best friends on the same side. Going through the bad times, hard times, but always wanting and striving to reach that high but together. I don't think distance could have a factor in ending something that was so real and strong. People change. They change on their own though. You can't make anyone else change or become someone else. It is truly that individual. Their actions, responses. They are in control of themselves.... 2019 will be a lot of self growth, reflecting and changing.
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AuthorMy name's Mykayla. I'm from the beautiful state of Oregon. Archives
November 2019
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