Emotions. Weakness. Strength.Emotions and speaking on them has always been my biggest downfall. An instant feeling, changed so drastically based off of a situational and environmental factors. A flash change of a mood. Emotions keep getting me in trouble. PatternsIt's been widely brought to my attention this last week that I am, the, QUEEN of long, online, distance dating. Yay.fucking.me, what an outstanding accomplishment. You see, I have this habit, or pattern, as you should say, that I picked mean, closed off, unemotionally available, aging, balding, people who I build up in my head, as high as a petal-stool fantasy. Yes. See, this is brought on to me from my brain. From that forever search for my soulmate. That stupid, missing, but not needed-anymore, person. I have been trying to find that person. And I do know, once that search ends, it'll happen. But, for some unconscious reason, it's what I do. I guess I've realized, I have a pattern. Now, if only I could figure out where this searching began with..... do I need someone to be happy? Am I searching based off of what society thinks I should do? By a certain age? Or do I run away when people want to get serious? A self sabotage? See, I don't know that one either, yet. I definitely have bombs (blown up discussions) . Towards people, in certain situations , which later reflected on, could have gone differently. Red Flags1: still loves ex 2: talks to ex 3: hangs out with ex 4: dates 5: emotionally unavialble 6: didn't care 7: b 8: mean 9: didn't answer my questions 10: projected 11: never planned 12: didn't meet my needs 13: video games 14: vapes 15: not pirority 16: lead on 17: didn't stop 18: not allowed to b mad 19: got mad at the fact i was mad 20: not interested in my emotions i didnt like u. i liked the reality in my head.see. my mind wanders off into this fantasy where everything is perfect, and controlled in my mind, like a hopeless romantic.I'm mad at the fact that even with all the work I've been doing to myself, i still see and recognize and continue these behaviors and patterns that leave me not where i intended. and the disappointment is all the weight from the countless trials and errors I've put myself through. its not towards anyone because of anything. its what my brain does to my own head. and I'm also mad at the fact or more so disappointed, maybe even sad, like unfair or left out, that I was never considered a possibility based on distance and the lack of personal questions. you can say friend all you want, but friends don't speak to each other like that and friends know more quality things about each other than just relationship turmoil. i guess what i learned isI really need to try and understand and learn how to be in the present reality of things, and not in this dream land imagination. I also learned about my patterns, and the hardest thing is going to be to try and fix, and make those healthier. I want to build better communicative friendships and eventually, relationships. I long for that companionship so bad. I want those moments. And there'll get there, within in time.
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AuthorMy name's Mykayla. I'm from the beautiful state of Oregon. Archives
November 2019
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