Friends,
2020 has been the worse episode out of the Simpson's yet. Going through multiple quarantines and lock downs has been the down fall in my epitome. Bangkok lock down went into full effect back in February. National wide curfews in place, temperature check screenings everywhere. And then the slow phases of opening. Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, and other neighboring countries have fully reopened and kept a 0 case infection rate for more than the past 100+ days. Which is so incredible, that lower developing countries, in Asia, are handling this deadly virus better than Western countries. Countries that cannot provide proper guidance and sustenance to their own people, is caring for them and implementing policies that in fact, saving their people. So, why can't America do the same thing for us? As a teacher in 2020, I have been teaching remotely online since February, as it is almost October, it's been 8 months of virtual and online instruction. 8, long, dreadful, eye wrenching, worrisome, complicated, technological, months of my entire existence. Not only that, but with the challenges of teaching online, having the outside world switching to lock downs, shut downs, and travel bans, normal life disappearing within the blink of a second; COVID stopped life. Covid has be stilled and engraved in our minds that other human beings, who we use to interact with; meeting a basic Maslow need in our hierarchy of human connection, touch, emotion; no one is safe doing that. How can we switch our life back to our normal reality, when every uncovered, unmasked face, is a ticking time bomb of infection that can lead to death? And during all this, the fear of the unknown, the fear of others cleanliness around you, I was moving. Out of Asia, where it is THE SAFEST continent in the world right now preventing this horrible virus, to America. Where I was under the impression that my country would TAKE care of me. Would provide me aid, like Italy forgiving all rent, other countries postponing electricity bills. What did I get for leaving a safe place during a pandemic? I thought I would be safer as a citizen back in my own country. And I'm not. During this entire monstrosity of 8 months, I was also completing my graduate degree. You may now call me Master teacher; a master in education. During all of the stress, the moving, the quarantining, searching for a job, applying to over 48 different schools/child care locations, but I graduated with a 3.97 GPA. Do you hear that? A 3.97 GPA in a graduate program for teaching. Yet, I can't get my highest level of education to go towards my salary rate. I was magically able to find a job on my favorite Island in the Hawaiian chain; Kauai. I moved to Kauai from Thailand/Oregon, within 30 days, while moving and finishing online graduate degree classes. Moving your life from Asia, to a tropical jungle, to start teaching in America, following different rules, systems, protocols, and trying to memorize 1000 acronyms, while learning a new curriculum, but then switching from in person school at half class, 6 feet apart, on a A and B day rotation, to switch to an AA BB day, to switch to COMPLETELY online to now again switch back to in person instruction, while the island is opening up to tourist, and resort "bubbles", that OUR students parents work at. This is all going to be brought back to campus from those children, and those families who have been out of work for so long. Yet, the fear. And even more pressing, I won't be getting paid for having a masters degree, due to a dead line, that I missed by 30 days of program completion , because covid pushed my classes from July to August, I won't get that deserved, and hard worked for masters degree to go towards my career. It is as if I never attended a masters program in my life. My hard work, my blood, sweat, tears, stress, anxiety, eye strains, were for absolute nothing. My years and experiences teaching abroad, to multiple ethnicities around the world, is absolutely worthless in America. . THE CHERRY ON TOP Although I am a master degree, certified, 3rd year teacher, who is not getting master salary level pay like I so deserved and worked very hard for, the DOE is doing a 40% budget cut to all teacher salaries. So my small salary, is going to go even smaller, by 20% this year, which is 1/5 of my total, before taxes. And I was only able to secure a job, in the most expensive, remote/jungle state in all of America. And now I am forced to teach in person, to families that are around tourist from all over the world. If I don't die by teaching and contracting covid, then it will be because I can't afford to put food in my mouth. _______________ So far living in Kauai has showered me with generosity and kind individuals. There are always ups and downs when moving to a different state, starting a new job, my situation was just existential given my move was out of Asia, during a national pandemic, while finishing up my masters. I was able to make some really good friends so far, find a house, buy a car, and now I'm starting to decorate with furniture, like a couch... finally. I am a new volunteer for a sea scout club, we are learning mariner skills and our first cruise will be for 5 days out at sea in a few short weeks. Establishing yourself, and starting lives over and over again is exhausting. You lose yourself along the way sometimes, and it takes will power to establish the same routine's and find out who you are here. Getting into the habit of things. Thanks for listening guys, hope all of you are saying safe and healthy with your loved ones. Be nothing but humble and blessed. When you manifest something, great things will come.
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Lets sit down and talk about 2020 so far.
Since January, it is now June, we have almost had world war III happen with the bombings and killings at the beginning of the year against Iraq and Iran which made me moving to Abu Dhabi not the safest option. Then, February Australia was on fire and millions of species lost their habitat and or their lives. Coming in hard in March, the COVID19 was storming across the entire world, forcing children out of school and making hundreds of thousands of Americans to file for unemployment. Over 100,000 lives have been lost in America due to this horrible virus that still does not have an exact source. Then, we move into MURDER hornets coming to America in April. Then, the end of May is an American Civil War. A war on racism. A war on poverty. A war on the homeless. A war on police brutality. But more so, this is an explosion of human rights that certain people lack in the land of the free. And while all of this is happening, people are breaking social distancing like it never happened. And Elon Musk sent people to the space station in 19 hours. All while this online hacker released information citing that the President of the United States of America is a child rapist. What else is getting covered up right now? Something big is going on. Not even the Simpsons can make this up. Family guy hasn't had an episode like this. And it will be in history books. This is the same premise the fight the black panthers caused. That up roar in history that we read about old hippies in the 70 fighting for love for everyone. This is the same now. And its unbelievable that after all the decades, that the same movement, cause and purpose that people were protesting for back then has now tangled up in current day society. I truly believe that history repeats itself. The outrage of the treatment of colored individuals in America has sparked a chain link reaction around the entire universe, causing buildings to be engulfed in fiery flames, Can you imagine living in a world where the King orders you to stay trapped inside? A world where there isn't any toilet paper, you can't leave your house between the hours of 6pm-7am? Following royal decrees, having no movie theater, or outside places to chat?
THAT'S THE LIFE i'm living I am so humbly and grateful that I was able to have this life here. Living abroad, and still being able to get paid, so blessed, really. But, I want to go home. Living in a foreign country during a world wide killing virus is not something everyone has to have consider dealing with one day. Like, no one could make this shit up. This whole thing, all the corona goodness, is going to be in history books some year. A teacher, just like myself is going to teach her babies and students, all about a time in the world where it shut down. How people sang off of back porches and balconies to have human connection. It's going to say books how the elderly couldn't go outside to go shopping, how nurses ended up having no gloves and masks. Can you even begin to imagine that. How that would like, how that would sound. And among all that, pretending your in the future, and a child is learning about a time freezing virus, would you be proud of your actions? They say the symptoms show anywhere between 2-14 days to show signs. Carriers don't know they are. I was in the same airport, leaving North Dakota, 8 days ago,... the same airport where an employee had it. There had to be only 20 people in the airport, but still. I'm scared. Are you one of the people looking back down on history, 20-40 years from now. And can you honestly tell someone learning about history, and be proud to say "I stayed inside, I social distanced", or would you be one of the ones who say, "I lived my life like normal, and never got sick.. but it took 888 days to contain the virus". Let's just all do what we're suppose to do here. Save the earth. Protect each other. Stay kind, and keep praying and loving. All joking aside, Even though I am a proud homebody, a Netflix in bedder, rather than any late night adventurer, I am terrified. And I'm having such a hard time being alone. I just had to emergency fly back to America to attend my grandmothers funeral,... If my parents or anyone I love back home fall ill, I'm on the other side of the world. And I know, even if you're with a person that has it, you can't ever make contact, and that person willl.die.alone, but at least I could be down the hall way, or waiting outside. I would be able to play board and card games with my family, I would be able to full, loving home cooked meals, even if it's just tuna-helper. I'm a person who always worries about the future, and doesn't live in the now. (AND I'VE SNEEZED LIKE 5 TIMES TODAY) I always wanted a small, cozy, cute, shit apartment. I thought that was a step you had to take in life to make it to the top. So I always envisioned that's how my life would look, at least for some stage. And now I have it. And all I can do is think about what's next. Is it living in Greece? Greece is only a one year contract, but amidst all the viruses? Do I go back to Hawaii, live with my best friends, that throw drunk marine parties? To sweet, little, rainy Oregon, where I can't find a job? This is all happening 4-5 months away. But it's coming up so fast, because time, life, it goes by like nothing. And I don't want to ever say that my life, that I did nothing. I want to go back to America, I want to fall in love again, get married, maybe even have some babies??? And I never, ever would have said that before. Hell, I'd even settle in North Dakota for that. Life is just crazy. I am also going crazy from teaching online, I lay on the floor and wait for their responses, like, I miss my little friends, and having a schedule. Stay healthy and safe everyone. As my time in Thailand is wrapping up, it's been so amazing.
I can't believe I've had this opportunity. It's a little crazy right now, due to the coronavirus. There's travel bans, schools shutting down, every person has a face mask on. March is reading month, so that's exciting. All the activities and events we have planned for the kids. Fourth grade has been amazing. Decimals, and fractions. I've learned so much myself too. Since my big travel with my sister for Christmas, I've only gone to Myanmar, and Sattaship. Burma was one of the best, most amazing countries in the world. It was cold, beautiful, with temples and monks everywhere you look. I was able to take my first hot air balloon ride. I want to go to Lao's before my time here is up. I hope the travel ban lifts soon so that way we can take all these opportunities. I've been in the process of applying to schools for the 2020-2021 school year. I'm really excited. I've been saying I'll move back home for the last 6 years. But..... we'll see where I go. The masters degree is being talked about just going online, because of the coronavirus, they don't want professors flying to Asia. Which makes sense, but over all, I think media is blowing it up more than it needs to be. Like a meme I saw said, "More people die of aids, but no one wants to use a condom". That's it for now folks. Keep traveling and taking risks. To the one who left,I’m mad at you. You really hurt me. I think you over reacted. All I wanted was more than a couple winks and hahas. I wanted a conversation.
I’ve never done casual before. Just serious, long term, committed relationships, it’s what I’m use to. I gave you my heart twice. And all I wanted was to be let into yours. You didn’t even try. You never opened up. You didn’t trust or love or want me there. You said you cared, but so easily you gave up and ran away. You keep running away from things that are real. And it’s sad and cold. I just wish you gave yourself the chance to not be so cold hearted. As much as I thought and imagined something happy and ever lasting between us, it’s not possible. No matter HOW MANY times you said you wanted it, how bad you wanted us to work out and be happily ever after, meant to be, or whatever. No matter what you said to try and get me hooked. Because you’re right-- I want more. I want a real relationship, a strong bond, real deep meaningful conversations, love, accepting, no harsh words or name calling. I never once called you a bad name. Crazy, toxic, immature, dumb, a whore. You manipulated me into believing you were kind and that wanted me. You gaslighted me into believing lies, feeling like shit and second guessing my emotions and feelings. And if you treated me better than "most", I can’t even begin to imagine how you treat and use other women. I really had high expectations for you, for this. For a future, like a true love thing. You put so much effort and time into crafting words to string me along. a 45 minute conversation about living in the same country together? Making plans to be together, talking jobs, plane rides, travel times. I wanted to believe you were the good guy, the one. I believed you'd come back. I wanted this with you, so bad. The love I had for someone I didn't even know.... Love. That's what's toxic. But it’s not me that lost you. You lost me. And I lost this false reality and fake relationship I created in my head. I lost the guy I dreamed was real, who was never really there. So goodbye, Thank you for freeing me and my heart. One year ago today, I was going through one of the roughest patches of my life. Heart break.
One year ago, I was living in a brand new, foreign, hot, different, country, where no one knew my language and I was struggling. I was begging for someones love, I was begging for attention, communication, maturity, commitment, plans, a forever. I didn't put value in myself. I didn't think I was enough, or worthy. I hated myself and the situation I was in. I thought I had everything I ever wanted and I left it. For something new, and different. People have told me, "KAYLA WOW, you're crazy for living in Asia, wow as a women, why did you decide to move? I'm astonished that you did this, wow good for you. I envy you, you're so adventurous." I put so much weight on those things, the way I had weight on opinions that thought down on me.. "Wow kayla, you were able to graduate high school" "wow you graduated college" "wow you're getting your masters degree" "did you even go to college" "how are you qualified to be here" One year ago, I was barely eating. Constantly crying. Hating myself. Trying to fit this perfect little puzzle piece to blend in to a family and a life that I was outgrowing. I was shrinking myself down. One year ago, I was a different person. That girl was me. She helped me get here. Now, the things I hear are, "you're different" "you've changed" "you're not the same person you use to be" And bloody hell, thank God for that. I recently got a siccccccck job off in Abu Dhabi, Dubai. A really sweet package. Private car, driver, furnished apartment rent free, teaching primary, learning IB curriculum. One year ago, if you told me I would be thinking about moving to the middle east, I would say you're fucking crazy. One year ago, I was so shy and not confident in myself, not a good person. I was poor. Sad. Depressed. Fat. Now my life is filled with so many good, caring, smart, beautiful people. With endless opportunities. I saw fricking NORTH KOREA from the DMZ. I looked at fear itself. I've seen the end of the road at the white tunnel. Whose to tell me, I can't live in the middle east? Whose to tell me I should be scared and that my life is too fancy? Because I travel? Because I've seen and met people from every part of the world and treat them with respect and love, and use every waking second to learn something new and to become a better person, for myself? That'll be sad to see someone tell me how to live my life. When I've created all of this, myself. Tomorrow, I'm heading to Hong Kong to see my sissy! We're going to THREE countries, and even her coworkers are telling to be nervous, scared, that this is extreme and crazy. Lets build each other up for doing cool shit, and not breaking others down to our own personal insecurity. I have so much value and power in myself. I really like who I am finally. It's a shame that people who use to know me, can't know who this new girl is now. I've changed so much in the last year, I've learned and done, and seen, so so so much. The progress and differences I'll make within the next year, I am so excited to see. 2020- I want everyone to go in thinking and believing that they too, can be a better person for themselves and everyone around them. Good bye 2019....Wow friends.
Another year done in Asia. As we roll into the new year, I want to wish everyone 2020 vision (; of their goals and dreams for the new year. May everyone go into 2020 knowing who they want to be and what they want to be. The dreams and goals they want to conquer. Travels and wishes. Never in a million years would I have suspected I would be where I am today. 2019 lead me to Thailand, Bali Indonesia, Cambodia, China, Sri Lanka, Japan, Singapore, Malaysia, and within the next few weeks, South Korea, Hong Kong, the Vietnam, and Philippines. One year and 12 different countries. 12 months and 12 countries. That is insane. Completely crazy, and I can't believe I've done this all on my own. I'm moving back to America in July. It has weird bittersweet feelings. I've always imagined going back to Hawaii. And one day I will. Moving back home is a scary thought though. Starting over, having to buy furniture, learning western ways again. Being able to communicate and talk to people around you. Going back to an old life and an old Kayla. Scary. Here's to 2020, may this be the scariest, most beautiful year; filled with blessings, adventure, and travel. For me, and for you all. <3 Lately what's been consuming my thoughts is the idea and topic of Soul Mates. What is a soul mate? How do you know? Can you be someones soul mate and are they not yours? When's the right time? How do you pick when your heart and your head are telling you different things? Games???? Honesty? When is being too honest? Is it a bad thing to say what you want and being so full on honest it sounds crazy? What about false realities? Imagining futures and made up situations you want to happen, that could just be fiction? Long distance? And most importantly, WHICH WAY DO YOU SPELL IT. SOULMATE OR SOUL MATE? All in all, it's been a real emotional and mentally exhausting roller coaster over the last week. Since I've been thinking about this and can't seem to find any answers, or insights, maybe I would write about it, in case other people are thinking and feeling the same way. There are things that go around that say, "You meet your forever person in your early twenties", "high school sweethearts", "we accept the love we think we deserve", "you will love only three people in your life time", "be with a man who loves you more than you love him", and that there are different types of soul mates. I don't know if any of that is true. The three types of people you fall in love with
We all think we have been in love. Looking back, I considered my first boyfriend to be my first love. Boyfriends do not equal love. I think it's the image, girlfriends and boyfriends love each other, so all of your boyfriends are love. WRONG Adults always tell us that we don't know what love is. But then its this feeling, of always wanting to see them, the nerves and butterflies, the laughing, the scared feelings when you have that first relationship. Because it's new. I've always felt like those are the only three loves you will ever have. If you go past three boyfriends you'll be alone and die forever. Now I know,
With these loves, there is more than that. There's a difference between loving people, and being in love them. There's a difference in having a special bond and understanding each other and having a connection. These are very different things that feel pretty similar. Some people, may not even experience all of these loves in one life time. Everyones path is different. Look at young moms, look at people who have been divorced, look at the single lady living it up at the party, watch the couple who has been together since 16. Everyone is different. Each relationship is different. But relationships do not mean love even if you love that person. The different types of soulmatesSometimes when we enter a relationship and we have that special bond or connection with someone, we say "you're my soul mate". We all know about soul mates. The ever lasting relationships, the people who get along really well. But each boyfriend you have does not make them your soul mate, they could be your partner, your boyfriend or lover. It doesn't mean soulmate. That word gets thrown around so often to people who are not, and when they the feeling is returned it hurts more than a break up. Being fixed on this term is something that isn't for playing around with. But, soulmates do not have to be romantically involved with you.
Even if you meet one of these soulmates, it can end in heart break. Life is not a happily ever after.Not all soul mates are destined to be forever romances. Not all friends are soul mates. You might never meet your soul mate. If you do, love them unconditionally and break through the barrier. Get rid of fears. Life is short and an adventure, nothing comes easy. So, do you go with your heart or your head? Personally, I say go with your heart. Your head has the logical reasons to be with the perfect person, but if your heart is taken by that bad boy who could hurt you and leave you with nothing, that one date, two weeks, maybe only a few years or miraculously, a whole life time together, is better than giving up because of fear or distance. If both people feel this strange way together, is it meant to be? A soul mate? Why give up if you can find out. The heart wants what the heart wants, and our minds and logical minds can't change that. Safe will always be safe. Having a secure, stable future, is not everything. When we follow our hearts, but take our brains with us, because you do know things couldn't work out, individuals also find a new sense of their person. So, why do we always want what or who we can't have?The chase. The toxicity. Addiction. Obsession. Desire. Lust. Imagining a false reality. When you finally get what you've always wanted, the reward is sweeter from working harder to get what you wanted. But does this work with people? Over investment? When do you learn to forget and move on? CAN YOU EVEN LOVE SOMEONE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD??? Honestly, I don't know because I'm crazy.However, I do know to always pick love. Crazy ends up having the best results. I think if something was meant to be, it will be.. when the timing is right. What about the right person at the wrong time?You know those movies, of the two 85 year olds, running across the world, and finally being in each others arms after 2- or 40 years of being apart? Then they start grossly making out on the screen like grandparent porn? That is rare. But I think it could be possible if you meet the right person. The difference between THE ONE and GOOD GUY?Have you met the one?
The one who sets your soul on fire, and leaves you constantly happy? Is this person honest? Serious? or is he immature? Plays games? but you know he's the one? Can you even think he's the one when you don't know if there's any love there? Or the good guy, the safe guy. Who is always available, emotionally, communicatively. ..... I feel like the one would return it back. and if they don't, is it better to be with the good guy? What about losing them both? It's not fair to the good guy for wanting the bad guy who doesn't even remember your favorite color. If any of you readers figure out the answer, let me know. xoxo I'm almost a MASTER in Education. I have traveled to 11 DIFFERENT countries in the last four years. 6 countries over the last 8 months. I have CRUSHED living in Thailand. I have the best career in the entire world. And everything I've done, I have been so lucky. Like, looking at how people have judged me or labeled me as not being to be completely do all of this with success, I have really conjured a lot and got rid of any one less than accepting of all people in my life. All of my friends are like minded, career driven and successful, traveling the world. No one just sits and doesn't explore. Hateful, pitiful, people. And gained the best people I have ever known. Traveling the world is such an eye opening experience. You find out who you really are, how you want your life to be. I really don't understand how some people can just sit still. Though, I'm excited in finding a longer term place sometime soon. Living in Thailand and getting out of a mentally abusive relationship, I have have thrived. People are awful, and don't settle for anything LESS. If you have a gut feeling about something or someone, don't ignore it. Everyone deserves the best. Selena Gomez's new song, Lose You To Love me. That has been the story of my last year. I needed to lose you to find me. I needed to hate you in order to love me. I love myself more than ever, and I'm never going back. Also, meeting the most loving, respectful, kind, humble human being with the best family in the world, helps me like my life a tad better. His mom said that she really likes me, I haven't even met her yet. But I can't wait to. Not excited to be another submariners girlfriend though. But, at least we have a future to plan together. Next travels, December with Sammy! Vietnam, Twain, The Philippines.... possibly Honk Kong so I can go to the last international DisneyLand. I've been to Disneyland France, Disneyland China and Disneyland Japan! Love life and love yourself more.
And always, LEAVE and do the scariest thing you can think of. Don't let ANYONE ever treat you less than a fraction of what you deserve. Drive and live your life in the direction you want to live it. I've been a fourth grade teacher!!I've been with my new big babies for quite some time now.
4th grade is the best grade ever. Math is my favorite subject to teach!!! CAN you even believe it?MATH?! this has always been the job meant for me. mama, smokee, amy, michelle, salina, taya, kayla.b, shelly, lohi, jusvin, sammy, honor, melissa, alex.c, george, joel, chelsie, elyane, my mom, mara, alex.d, marie, joanne, jake.t, jake.s, david, mark, deme, kayla.l, jamie, stephine, logan, mariah, christina, sean, nick, dad,~~~~ the greatest friends and people i know- thank you. Masters is almost done, yay! Moving back to Hawaii, Japan, or Guam, yayy! Japan next month to turn 24 and see Jake @diSNEYland, yaaaaayyyy!!!! Maldives, India, Aus, NZ, Laos, Vietnam, with my sister in Dec, yayyy! this is the part of life you've always waited for- go out and grab it by the balls!!!! life is so good. lightning is traumatizing. food is amazing. take care of ur health and body. love to no extreme. live to no end. ttfn (: |
AuthorMy name's Mykayla. I'm from the beautiful state of Oregon. Archives
November 2019
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